Barmy Army

The Australian Department of Immigration today confirmed that British citizens will no longer be able to apply for tourist visas during the upcoming Ashes Cricket series in Australia, between November 2013 and February 2014.  All visiting Brits will have to apply for refugee visas instead.

Department Head Louisa Gerald said ‘British nationals arriving without valid refugee visas will be sent directly to an onshore detention centre for processing, which normally takes at least five test matches and a one-day series to complete.’

The detention centre lies in the middle of the Simpson desert.  There, their chants of I shagged Matilda will drift away unanswered into the dry desert air.

Ms Gerald wants to assure however that these detainees will be treated humanely.  ‘We’ve set up a bar and big screen telly, with banana lounges placed around a pool.    While this will keep them docile and trouble-free, I reckon they probably won’t want to leave.’

‘At some point though, if they refuse to return to their point of origin we might have to introduce a few pythons into the pool enclosure.  That should silence their rendition of God save YOUR Queen.’

The Government denies however that the Barmy Army supporters group is being targeted.   ‘We treat all foreigners equally contemptuously.  But if Customs officers find trumpets, England football jerseys or Banana-Man outfits in their luggage upon arrival, they will be taken aside for questioning, no further questions asked.’

In related news, PM Kevin Rudd announced that if re-elected, he would push for England bowler Stuart Broad to be tarred and feathered before being released at 4am on a Sunday morning in Sydney’s King Cross district.  The Opposition supports this proposal.