Fake News Down Under: Thank you your Royal Highness for speaking with us. We’re aware you’re not the media’s biggest fan, so we appreciate your time.
HRH Prince Harry: Well you are called Fake News. Who’s going to believe a thing you publish?
FNDU: Yes fair point. Firstly, congratulations on becoming an uncle. Since you’re now fourth in line to the throne, does the birth of Prince George take some of the spotlight off you?
PH: Oh fark yes. Now I can breathe a bit easier knowing that only a massive tragedy would put me in a position of considerable responsibility.
You see I’ve built up this reputation over the years as the solid, dependable one. But it’s just not me. Sure I’ve had a few silly moments but let’s put that down to youth and a born sense of entitlement.
So you won’t be seeing a well-behaved Prince anymore, oh no. It’s time to really tear shit up like a squaddie on rec leave.
FNDU: You were recently voted the coolest royal in the world. What do you make of this?
PH: Ah I guess I like having a good time and people can relate to that. Not that I like socialising with regular people of course, but we all have our duties.
FNDU: Do you think the media misrepresents you?
PH: Yes of course they do, quite often in fact. Remember I reportedly said that being an Apache pilot is much like playing a video game? What I actually said was: cruising in a gunship chasing jihadis is like hunting deer, only that deer don’t scream out when one shoots them in the back.
FNDU: Who’s your all-time favourite TV character?
PH: Definitely the Fonz in Happy Days. He just clicked his fingers and the babes came running, although he could’ve worn a shirt now and then.
FNDU: You’re quite popular with women aren’t you?
PH: When we were teenagers, the girls were always screaming out for Will. So it must be my turn now, since he’s married, balding and looks more and more like our father.
FNDU: A question now from our female readers: which qualities are you looking for in a wife?
PH: A wife? Why would I ever marry? I hope you don’t mind me calling you an imbecile.
No I’m just not ready to settle down and devote my time to magazine spreads in Hello! But I am really keen on dating plenty of different women though. By the way, kindly make it clear to your readers that I’m very single. I’ve also set up a social media page if the ladies care to know where I’ll be making public appearances.
FNDU: We’ve heard a rumour that the next Hangover film has been partially based on one of your Las Vegas holidays?
PH: Ha! Yes it’s true. A couple of Hollywood writers did contact me about that. I gave them some stories in return for a donation to a charity I support.
But these gents are a bit soft I think, because their script doesn’t include the one where we had a tiger brought to our hotel room, before we hunted, killed, skinned and roasted it in the fireplace. I learned how to do that on safari in Tanzania once. I guess the public is really sensitive about animal cruelty these days. Still, do you think that a tiger would stop for a second if you were in its sights?
FNDU: Any final comments?
PH: I’m just about to start filming a new reality show in the States, to be hosted by Piers Morgan. It’s called Single Prince wants to shag. Make sure you tune in. It’s hilarious.