Michael O’Leary expressed his shock that after paying about a fiver for a flight to a town reasonably near their desired destination, the great unwashed expected anything more than barely supressed hostility from his staff. “My staff are paid as little as possible and are given no expensive perks like desks, chairs or phones to keep my profits up… I mean your flight costs down” snapped aviation’s loudest gobshite “Of course they fucking hate you… I fucking hate you too”.
“Still” he continued “it seems that some people think that an extra £60 to take more than a bag or crisps on board with you is a bit steep and those bastards at the FAA are making me hangar my planes overnight rather than renting them out by the half hour to streetwalkers has meant that I have had to improve our offering…you can now have whatever you like, so long as you pay for it.”
“I’ll bring in hookers and fine wines and whatever the fuck you want…and we’ll still be the cheapest just some of our surcharges may rise the tiniest fraction… I almost feel embarrassed to mention it but a £2500 check-in charge is fair enough, right?”
Not everybody is unhappy with the new arrangement, Melissa Sturridge-Jones from the middle class pressure group, Chavs Unwelcome iN Tuscany Society (or CUNTS for short) was “overjoyed” at the impending lack of tattooed British peasants binge drinking, racking up disappointing sexual encounters, spoiling her holiday patronising the far more picturesque Italian peasantry.