British Gas led the charge of the UK’s energy providers to be the most ethical and patriotic by raising its prices by nearly 10% as winter draws in.
“We’re doing our bit for Britain” smarmed Chris Weston the CEO of British Gas as he climbed out of his Ferrari “Think about the effect this price increase will have? People will have to pay more money to use less gas… good for the economy, great for the environment and better for me, right?”
“But that’s not all” he continued after pausing to light a cigar with a £50 note “think of secondary effects. There is a housing crisis in Britain at the moment? Well not after this winter. Imagine all those lovely flats and houses that will be up for grabs after hypothermia thins the herd a bit. The pension pot won’t be so stretched either. Brilliant ‘eh?”
“The only fly in the ointment is this Global Warming malarkey but I’ve got a mate in the Met Office who assures me that this winter will be one of those’ blown in from Siberia’ jobbies; a real bone freezer. And you know what that means?”
“A new yacht for me and all the hookers I can kill.”
“Oh Jesus, I am going to die!” wailed Bill Nottage, a nonagenarian WW2 veteran from Catford “I survived Normandy only to be murdered by the bleedin’ Gas Board… when they find me my cat will have eaten my face”.