Aussies win Ashes

The Royal Family plans to give the Crown Jewels to Australia after England were comprehensively beaten by their arch enemy in The Ashes. Australia reclaimed Test cricket’s top prize of The Ashes Urn upon defeating the English at Perth this week to take an unassailable series lead of 3-0.  However there is a feeling that the Urn is not a big enough prize.

Given the manner in which England were defeated, a Buckingham Palace spokesperson confirmed that the Queen will bequeath the Crown Jewels to Australia as part of the prize for their victory.

A Palace correspondent said the reason for the decision was simple: “England’s poor showing resembled a group of men without their ‘crown jewels’ in order.”

“This is obviously a way to both embarrass the English team and also properly compensate Australia in their moment of triumph.”

With the historically significant Ashes Urn being so small The Queen believes that something larger and equally historically significant should be presented to the Australians.

“The Australians demonstrated a far more ‘ballsy’ performance than the England cricket team” said BBC commentator Geoffrey Boycott.

However a Buckingham Palace spokesperson was keen to diffuse any potential for Fleet St to use the obvious play on words that gifting the Crown Jewels might present.

Doubters of the Buckingham Palace plan question what could Australia give of similar value should England manage to win the Ashes back on home soil in 2015?

“It’s not as if a souvenir wooden boomerang or a stuffed Koala has the same value as our Jewels” decried a member of England’s touring party.

“I know the Royals are fond of Ugg Boots but so are Jordan and Kate Moss, and I doubt they would see that as adequate compensation either” said a Palace correspondent.






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About andrewleonard

Present a radio show The Banter (@the_banter) each week where we discuss and pontificate mostly sport but also touch on other observations of what has happened or annoyed us that week.




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