In a statistical review of 347 sleep studies spanning 60 years of research, Professor Greg Bellender of Outback University has drawn a direct link between sleeping and death.
‘In 100% of these cases, each patient who slept for more than 3 hours per night also eventually died as well.’
Professor Bellender believes these results are unequivocal.
‘Clearly then, the conclusion we must draw is that sleeping is bad for you. Certainly we must seize the day, but my findings also show that we must seize the night. Beer bong anyone?’
Other researchers in the field are keen to point out that correlation does not mean causation, but concede that Professor Bellender ‘…throws one helluva good party.’