The iconic Aussie company is revolutionising air travel to avoid bankruptcy.
Head of corporate spin Gareth Benson explains: ‘Passengers will get 50% cheaper air tickets and 40% more leg room – mainly because it’s difficult to stretch out while hanging from the ceiling’.
‘We also get to stuff in 3 times as many people onto each plane’ he added, rubbing his palms together and grinning stupidly.
‘To stay competitive in this global market, we really have to push the boundaries about what’s acceptable for human cargo. Ah I meant human passengers. Please don’t print that.’
The airline denies this move is simply about profit. ‘Every year we get more and more fat people flying with us and they simply cannot fit into a standard sized seat. This is about improving health and safety for the average Aussie lard-arse.’
Overhead storage compartments were removed in order to fasten the harnesses. Now on-board luggage will only be allowed if it can be worn by passengers – like backpacks.
Children under 3 will also fly for free provided they too are strapped to adults.
Food and drink trolleys will no longer appear on-board either. Multiple vending machines have been installed in departure lounges instead.
‘Qantas will boost passenger numbers in each plane by 300% while carbon footprints are also reduced, although judging by the very low take up of our carbon-offset program online, everyone claims to be green nowadays until they’re asked to pony up directly.’