Everyone that weighs over 100 kilograms is now public enemy number 1, it has emerged.
“Taking aim at dole bludgers and foreigners was so Johnny Howard” said the Prime Minister today. “But we’ve found a new scape goat.”
“Did you know that obese people cost this country $20 billion per year in increased medicare bills? So we’re employing Shannan Ponton and The Commando to roll out their program nation-wide.”
“Firstly, they’ll be rounding up the overweight in yellow, mining-sized dump trucks. Expect to hear Shannan shouting down a megaphone in your street very soon. The Commando will go knocking door to door, employing his serious stare and oddly-timed comments to weed out the corpulent amongst us.”
Greg, a fleshy man of ample proportions from Melbourne told us “I was at home when I heard a voice saying over and over ‘Get your free Chico rolls outside.'”
“Like an ancient mariner, I couldn’t resist the sirens’ call for this classic savoury temptation. I burst through the front door only to be netted by The Commando and scooped up into a truck.”
“And now after 6 weeks of back breaking pain and humiliation, they gave me a yellow t-shirt.”
Civil Libertarians would normally be outraged at this type of intrusion, yet they admit that the prospect of seeing a sobbing Joe Hockey broken by the Biggest Loser team is far too enticing.