The fast food giant is making a bold business move that no one in the world could have predicted or even really wanted.
“We’re revolutionising fashion the same way that we revolutionised food processing” says CEO Greg Bellender.
“We’ve developed a new synthetic material based on the cheese in our Cheeseburgers – tough and kinda plasticy. But just don’t wear it on a hot summer’s day.”
“Listen, the public don’t want poorly paid teenagers in Bangladesh making their clothes in dark and dingy sweat shops.”
“So we’re going to employ teenagers right here to do the job instead.”
The new fashion outlets sit directly opposite the traditional food counters. So once food buyers have finished their meal, they’re free to leave greasy paw marks on the various clothing items.
“I tried on one of their new shirts and at first it fit me perfectly,” said Gary from Melbourne. “About 7 minutes later however, a creeping sense of self loathing began in my stomach.”
“Then hives broke out across my chest.”
“When I hear anti-McDonalds jokes I laugh because there’s no bigger symbol of global corporate tyranny. Yet I keep going back because it’s just so tasty and practical.”
McDonalds shares rallied in New York last night on news of the announcement.